UCP AWARDS $8 MILLION to LISA LUTZ of EDMONTON

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An Edmonton grandmother is being hailed as one of the city’s most influential citizens. Lisa Lutz, 44, has garnered massive support for her campaign to end cigarette-butt litter on sidewalks.

“I hate cigarettes, and the butts are even worse!” says Lutz. “It is devastating to watch them pile up, and to see the pigeons gobble them. They’re terrible for the environment!”

Lutz lobbied the provincial government to become Alberta’s first official “Butt’s-Be-Gone” millionaire, by raking in a huge lump sum of taxpayers’ dollars to monitor smokers via CCTV.

The project is guaranteed for 5 years, with a potential increase in funding in 2025. Lutz states that she will use half the funds for technology, and the other half for her salary and expenses. She claims it will be a “One-Woman-Show”, and she will save the lives of countless birds. She plans to perform “citizen’s arrests” on “butt violators”.

Harold Henkel, Professor of Eco-Mitigation at the University of Alberta, fully supports this endeavour. “Lisa Lutz is a champion of the environment, and she’s spearheading the most incredible movement I’ve witnessed during my lifetime. She deserves a Nobel Prize for her invocation.”

While some taxpayers are concerned that the UCP is wasting money on this cause, disgruntled Albertans agree that money has been spent on far worse things. “Kenney has got to go...he’s not my premier...but Lutz can stay!”

This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.