Liverpool Felching Attack Shocks the city

This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.

2059 10001 Shares

The city centre in Liverpool, England, was rocked to its foundations yesterday by the hideous sight of a ‘drive-by Felching'

Many of the city’s elderly residents were being treated for shock at Liverpool Royal hospital last night, as Police try to piece together exactly what happened in the city yesterday evening.

A main witness at the scene of the incident was Lady Chlamydia Tenalady, an 86 year old resident of the city “I was casually strolling down Duke Street yesterday evening when a man suddenly stopped in front of me, and jumped on top of an elderly lady, sadly the rest is just a blur as I was still in shock from witnessing a bare-chested man moments earlier. I found the whole ordeal perfectly ghastly”

The elderly woman who suffered the sickening attack, who has been named as Lana Nibbats (89) was treated at the scene for a severely engorged anus and taken to a nearby hospital, where she is being treated for shock and severe blood loss.

Another witness, 56 year old Dick Mirkin from London who was holidaying in Liverpool spoke yesterday of his shock and horror of what he and his family witnessed. “The wife and me six kids was walking around trying to find a pub when all of a sudden like, a bloke jumped out and pounced on top of this poor old dear, he did the dirty deed and ran off. I will never forget the screams of pain from the woman or the mess all over the pavement; she was just lying there with a drinking straw sticking out of her arse with cock snot dribbling out the top. The whole bloody thing was disgusting, a lot of the old farts who were around at the time was fainting and throwing up. My wife and kids will probably need counselling after this.”

This is not the first time controversy has hit the city, famous for it’s wealthy elderly residents and massage parlours. As local resident, Major Henry Snuffing-ton-Smith (retd) commented: “About ten years ago a local businessman had the audacity to open a brothel here to the shock and dismay of many residents of the city who were afraid that such a facility would attract riff-raff, gypsies and young miscreants on motorcycles. I'm appalled that an atrocity such as this has happened in this delightful city This Country is going to the dogs I tell you"

Merseyside Police force has admitted that they are completely baffled by the whole incident, Inspector Terry Knob said yesterday that he had never before heard of such a crime, and admitted that the perpetrator of the offence Joe Smith from Dursley Gloucestershire aka Tony Montana had been detained and charge with relevant offences. “I haven't a clue what felching is, but I just hope such an atrocity of this type never happens again,” he said.

He later tried to calm residents fears of a further attack with a brief statement." I can assure all residents of Liverpool that these felching attacks are extremely rare. I have been reliably informed that the average person has more chance of being fucked by a donkey than ever have anything like this happen to them"

NEWS UPDATE By Arthur Teacake

It seems that Felching crimes are now a major problem in this country, as this harrowing story from a TNSOTW reader shows.

I have been affected by the events you described in your article "felching attack in Liverpool", I don't wish you to know my real identity, so as far as you are concerned my name is Grace. actually that's a bit too obvious, no just call me G *******. At a party in a familiar friendly atmosphere, a close friend of mine started handing out straws, I didn't know what it was all about so took mine willingly as everyone else was taking them. little did I know of the horrors that were to unfold later that night. It took a trip to the doctor's and three hours of minor surgery to remove the straw from my cheeks that were clenched in shock. Felching is far more widespread than the latest government figures show, it needs to be brought into the general public eye, not only to prevent misunderstandings such as mine,

This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.